This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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