And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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