Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
