you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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