Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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