Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
