i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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