We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
