someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
