i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
