Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
