I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
