i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
