I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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