I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
