I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
