The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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