My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
