I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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