I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever