I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
