i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
