maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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