Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
