watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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