im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
