Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
