yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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