cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
