Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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