so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
