onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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