Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
