brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
