what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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