So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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