She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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