Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
