I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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