I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
