then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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