you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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