I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
