Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
