Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
