I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
