My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
