I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
