He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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