So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
