I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's like iHOP with fire
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
