I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
