dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
