I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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