Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
