If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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