Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
