There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
