Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm like, not good at living.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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