I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
