I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
